


promise to live

by Jamless_Tae_With_Suga_and_Kookies



Series: get hurt and get comforted (aka a tale of chensung throughout all their struggles) [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Hurt & Comfort, Implied poverty, M/M, chenle is mentally unstable, i'll explain properly one day i swear, idek i suck at tagging, implied eating disorder, jisung is emotionally constipated, will i ever stop being vague? nah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 05:16:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15405804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jamless_Tae_With_Suga_and_Kookies/pseuds/Jamless_Tae_With_Suga_and_Kookies
Summary: chenle feels too much and talks to little and jisung is worried. everything comes together and then it finally blows up.





	promise to live

chenle had been feeling a lot of things after leaving his old life for happiness, and none of them were particularly positive.

sure, he had his good moments where he would gasp from laughing too hard at some stupid joke, wiping away a few tears and clutching his hurting stomach.

he had moments where his love and adoration for jisung and his friends filled him completely, making him feel like he was flowing and had the sun inside of his body.

but there were other times, too. dark times. absolutely, completely black times. and they were too frequent for the good moments to outshine them.

sometimes, frustration would take over his entire body; frustration at not being able to find a job because his education had never prepared him for this life, at not being good enough to help with anything everyone else seemed to be able to do, at being absolutely useless in this world- in jisungs world.

other days, he would get angry. angry at himself for being stupid, for being clumsy. angry at the others for never having informed him of how different life here was. angry at his parents for making him run away in the first place.

but most of the time, it was unending sadness and guilt. seeing how jisung worked himself to death each and every day to provide for both of them made him sad. thinking of everything he could've given his boyfriend if he was just strong enough made him sad.

thinking about jisung getting fed up with him and realizing how worthless and stupid he truly was made him the saddest.

everyday he reminded himself that he had chosen this, that it was the right choice, that things would take a while to work out but they would eventually.

but each time chenle received another rejection from an employer, each night he had to see jisung come back half asleep, each day he received their bills and looked at them, believing himself got harder.

it had been five months of constant overthinking and absolutely not stable mental condition at the time the others started to notice.

chenle wasn't particularly proud of crying himself to sleep every night, but doing it at night was better than when everyone else could see and worry about it.

he had also started to cut down on eating around four months ago, trying to lessen the money they spent on food. there were more pressing matters than chenle going to bed a little hungry.

(he wasn't just a little hungry, not after consuming basically nothing all day long. he had actually started to lose weight as well, noticeably so, but gladly the oversized sweaters seemed to hide it.)

chenle blessed his past self for packing as much expensive stuff as he could fit back when he escaped home. he stored the money he got from selling these things under their bed in a small box, saving it for emergencies.

but even though chenle had always been a pretty good actor and did a great job at hiding his feelings, jisung wasn't dumb and neither was he deaf.

he had heard chenles sobs at night, as quiet as they might be. he had heard his boyfriend mumbling things in his sleeps, having nightmares about various things. he had heard him whispering to himself, weighing his options on what he could eat and what not that day.

and he was worried, of course he was. jisung wasn't good at expressing his emotions, it was always chenle who had made the first step, chenle who had approached him.

and now chenle was the one curling in on himself, so to say. it was awful, watching him become thinner and paler by the day and not being able to do something.

but really, what was there to do? they were both barely adults and nobody had ever taught them to handle situations like this. and so both of them stayed quiet, keeping up the illusion of everything being fine.

\---

all of their lies and insecurities came crashing down on a saturday morning in march, one of jisungs rare days off.

it was during their breakfast and in the end, it was really the stupidest thing that triggered their long overdue fight.

chenle spilled coffee on himself, completely drenching his shirt in the unbearably hot drink.

with a hiss, he pulled the top off of his upper body, taking it off as fast and carefully as possible in an attempt to not burn himself even more.

jisung had gotten up in shock, ready to fetch something new for him to wear and a towel to clean up with, possibly also something to cool the burn down when he saw it.

chenles ribs, standing out from the rest of his torso, not yet completely, but definitely enough to be noticeable.

chenles arms, thinner than jisung could remember, looking like branches that would break in the slightest breeze.

the younger of the two looked up, shock evident on his face. suddenly he noticed how much more hollow his boyfriends cheeks had gotten, how sunken in and pale his face was.

jisung swallowed, hard. he left the room, got everything he had planned to and returned back to a frozen and scared chenle.

softly, he pushed the older down on his stool at their table, gently wiping away the traces of coffee on his reddened skin.

silently nudging chenle to make him raise his arms, he pulled the new shirt over his body and closed his eyes for a few moments to gather his thoughts.

when he looked up again, his gaze was hard, jaw tensed and eyebrows furrowed. „we have to talk. now.“

chenles bottom lip was trembling when he bit down on it. he averted his eyes to the kitchen floor and took a shaky breath.

„i can't get out of this, can i?“ he questioned, voice timid and body seeming even smaller than usual because of the way he curled in on himself.

„no. no, and we should've done this earlier, months ago. i'm sorry i didn't, i know i should've- should've said something, god. i would've if i had known how bad it was. jesus.“ jisung replied, standing up from his crouching position and walking through the small kitchen, hands nervously combing his hair again and again.

chenle seemed to only become tinier by the second. unable to meet jisungs worried eyes he mumbled: „it's not your fault i'm useless. it was my own decision to do what i've done.“

jisung simply shook his head, unending sadness marrying his features. „why?“ he whispered, breathy voice almost inaudible.

chenle scoffed. „because it's the only way i can contribute. after all- all the work you do, all the overworking i- i can't just- i don't deserve to just eat when i cant even find a fucking job to support you.“ he bitterly spat out, all his insecurities shining through.

the youngers expression softened immediately and his steps came to a halt right in front of his boyfriend. tilting up the others head, he cooed: „chenle, love, look at me. i don't know why you would think like that, but- but you deserve to eat. i earn the money for exactly that reason. i know,“ he paused, swallowing down his tears, „i know things have been- have been shit for us. but it's not. your. fault. you're doing your absolute hardest to adjust and help me and god, i love you for that. please believe me?“

chenle stared in jisungs eyes, violently blinking away his own tears. this reassurance, these words of encouragement and love was what he had needed the past few months.

yet, the walls he had built were too strong to collapse just like that. hesitating, he asked: „do you- do you mean that? do you really fucking promise to mean that jisung? because i don't know if i could- could take it if you suddenly realized how flawed and useless i am. i need you, you're all i have left and i don't think without you- without you-“ his voice wavered, tears starting to spill now and sobs hindering him from finishing his sentence.

„yes, yes, god yes chenle. i love you, everything about you and you're not worthless. you're so strong, fucking hell i don't know how you do it. i admire you and your strength so much, and above all your ability to stay so kind hearted despite all the things you went through. god, you're so fucking amazing do you know that?“ he chuckled through his own tears, gently wiping away chenles.

resting his own forehead against his boyfriends, he continued: „i could never, ever leave you. my heart belongs to you, now and forever. jesus fuck, i'd marry you right now if it'd prove you that i'll never stop loving you. you're my everything, my home, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend, my better half. chenle, i love you and only your word could ever get me to leave you.“

and oh, did those words work. the older completely crumpled under the others words, snaking his hands around jisungs neck to bring him close for a hug and hide his crying face in his shoulder.

„how do you always make me cry? i'm supposed to be there for you, too, asshat!“ he hiccuped, words muffled by jisungs thick sweater.

kissing the top of chenles head, the younger chuckled in response and tightened his hold around the smaller body.

„promise me you're gonna get better, or that you're gonna try at least. promise to talk to me and to rely on me. please chenle, can you do that?“ he lowly murmured into the others ear.

the smaller tensed for a second. then, with a sigh he relaxed and promised: „yes. i'm going to try. and you're going to promise the same. stop pushing your luck, stop working so hard, come home earlier. we'll figure things out but please stop working yourself to death.“

getting an idea, chenle distanced himself from the hug and held out his pinky finger, effectively getting his boyfriend to giggle at the childish action.

„this is stupid.“ jisung commented with a laugh, but he still intertwined his longer pinky finger with chenles and even squeezed just for good measure.

„it might be stupid but so were we, don't you think? and now could you please come here and just give me a goddamn kiss because i've been waiting forever and i-“

fortunately jisung complied all too happily and chenle didn't have to complain for several minutes like he usually would for their lips to finally meet in a chaste kiss.

they weren't perfect, by far not. both of them had their flaws and mistakes, their good days and their bad. but together, they'd make it through everything.

together, they'd live.

 

**Author's Note:**

> you know what i'm not even gonna apologize for me writing at night again!  
> come scream at me @chenlenohana on twt, i'll answer unanswered questions (all 500.000 of them) and i like making friends so! hit me up!


End file.
